STOP YOUR PRESSES AND DROP THE BALLS FOR THE SCARE! THIS NEWS WILL TURN YOU UP FROM YOUR FIRST COMMUNION.
MAIN TITLE: TERROR ON THE PLATE! THE GORE NIGHTMARE NO ONE THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE: CUSTOMER FINDS THE “CHIKIS TRIKIS” (YES, A HUMAN ANUS) IN HIS BIRRIA BROTH AT A POPULAR CITY OUTFIT. A SANITARY HORROR SEWER IS UNCOVERED!
SHOCKING SUBTITLE: The headline that popped up on your phone and you thought was a joke, IS REAL! That damn “…Read more” was hiding the most disgusting and disturbing story of the year. Get ready, because after reading this, you’ll never look at a “surunda” taco the same way again. Yuck, how delicious! (Note the sarcasm, folks).
MEXICO CITY (WHERE IF POLLUTION DOESN’T KILL YOU, FOOD WILL).– Oh my! My friends, if you’re among those who think you’ve seen it all in this concrete jungle, if you believe that the street dog tacos were the worst thing that could happen to your iron stomach, let me tell you, you’re very wrong. Reality, that cruel bitch, has just surpassed fiction in the most grotesque way possible.
We all got that damn notification on our phones. We were on the subway, or grabbing a midday snack, when suddenly: “Man’s anus found in restaurant food…See more” .
Most of us thought, “Bah! It’s probably just clickbait. It’s probably just a badly cut piece of beef tripe, and people are exaggerating.” HUGE MISTAKE! Our morbid curiosity got the better of us, we clicked “See more,” and what we found was the gateway to culinary hell.
CHRONICLE OF A FORETOLD VOMIT
It all started yesterday, around 3:00 in the afternoon, the peak hour for office workers’ hunger. The setting: “Birria y Consomé ‘El Sabor del Abuelo’”, one of those small, always-packed restaurants, located in a working-class neighborhood in the Cuauhtémoc borough, famous for its generous portions and incredibly low prices.
There was Don Chema, a 55-year-old taxi driver, his stomach practically glued to his spine after cruising all day in the infernal traffic. Don Chema, a regular customer, ordered his usual: “A big plate of assorted birria, with plenty of broth , onions, cilantro, and a little lime to cut the grease.”
The waiter brought him the steaming delicacy. Don Chema, salivating like a dog at a butcher shop, dipped his tortilla in the broth and took the first sip. “Delicious!” he thought. The meat was tender… well, almost all of it.
Halfway through his meal, as he spooned with singular joy, Don Chema felt something strange in his mouth. It wasn’t the fibrous texture of the goat meat, nor the tenderness of the fatty meat. It was something… elastic. Chewy. Like biting into a hair tie or an undercooked squid.
“Damn Chema, you’ve got a tough piece of nerve,” he said to himself, trying to chew the stubborn morsel. But it just wouldn’t fall apart.
With that curiosity that killed the cat (and that almost killed Don Chema’s appetite for life), he took the bite out of his mouth with two fingers. He placed it on a paper napkin. He wiped off the excess red broth and chili.
And then, silence fell over the table.
Her eyes widened in shock. Her brain tried to process what she saw, but refused to accept it. It wasn’t a nerve. It wasn’t a piece of stomach.
It was a ring. A ring of wrinkled flesh, dark brown in color, with an unmistakable texture of radial folds. It was small, yes, but its shape was undeniable.
Don Chema, who in his younger days had worked for a time in a funeral home, felt the blood drain from his heels. He recognized the anatomy.
— “HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!”, shouted Don Chema, throwing the plate which fell to the floor, splashing red broth on the lady next to him.
The taxi driver jumped up, clutching his throat, and right there in the middle of the aisle, he vomited up everything he’d eaten in a retch worthy of The Exorcist. Yuck!
THE RUMORS AT “GRANDPA’S FLAVOR”
Don Chema’s shout and subsequent vomiting alerted the entire restaurant. People began to murmur. The owner, a certain Don Braulio, emerged from the kitchen with his apron stained with grease, a sour expression, and a chef’s knife in his hand.
— “What is this damn scandal? You’re scaring away the customers!” Don Braulio roared.
Don Chema, pale as a ghost and trembling, could only point at the napkin on the table. — “Look, you bastard! Look what I got in my birria! That’s an ass, Don Braulio! A FUCKING HUMAN ASS!”
Customers gathered to watch. A woman fainted. Another guy started recording everything for TikTok. Don Braulio tried to grab the napkin to destroy the evidence, but Don Chema, summoning his last reserves of strength, snatched it away.
— “No way! The cops are taking this! You guys are sick!”
Within minutes the patrols arrived and, more importantly, the Sanitary Regulation people, those who wear khaki vests and have faces that say you wouldn’t easily bribe them.
THE TRUTH BEHIND “SEE MORE”: A CLINIC OF TERROR
This is where the story takes a turn worthy of a B-movie Mexican horror film. The forensic experts took the “evidence” away in a sterile vial. Hours later, the rumor was confirmed by the coroner: It was indeed an external anal sphincter… of human origin.
How the hell did that get into the birria pot?
The investigation didn’t take long. It turns out that right above the restaurant, on the second floor of the old building, was a clandestine “cosmetic clinic.” One of those places that charges next to nothing for liposuction and operates on a massage table with anesthesia of dubious origin.
The “Comprehensive Beauty Clinic ‘Aphrodite’”, run by a certain “Doctor” (who turned out to be a failed veterinarian), performed surgical procedures outside the law.
The prosecution’s theory is mind-blowing: Apparently, the day before, a patient underwent hemorrhoid surgery or some other reconstructive procedure in that area. The “biological waste” (that is, the small piece of anus that was cut out), instead of being disposed of in the red hazardous waste containers as required by law, was thrown… INTO THE REGULAR SEWER!
And here’s the worst part, folks. The old building’s plumbing was so rotten and messed up that it was leaking right into the ceiling of the kitchen at “Grandpa’s Taste”.
Yes. Just like you read. The “ring of meat” traveled down the drainpipe, seeped through a crack in the ceiling, and fell, plop, straight into the giant pot where the birria had been simmering all night. It cooked along with the goat, the bay leaf, and the guajillo pepper.
HOLY SHIT! How disgusting!
THE OUTCOME: CLOSURE AND LIFELONG TRAUMA
The restaurant was immediately shut down with those big seals that read “SUSPENSION OF ACTIVITIES DUE TO HEALTH RISK.” The clinic upstairs was also dismantled, and the fake doctor is already heating cement in the North Prison.
Don Chema, our hapless hero, is in therapy. He says he can’t even look at a Cheerio without feeling like throwing up. He’s sworn that from now on he’ll only eat grass, like cows.
This story teaches us a valuable lesson, my friends: Always, but ALWAYS, check what you put in your mouth. And if the taco is too cheap, be suspicious. Very suspicious.
Because in this city, you never know if you’re eating a delicacy fit for the gods or… well, the final stage of a stranger’s digestion. Enjoy! (If you can eat after this).